I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.
I am very happy that many people are liking my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/Rebekahquinne
and liking this blog. . .
I hope to post a few pieces this weekend.
What is going on. . .
- I have been helping friends with babysitting and remodeling their house when I am not writing.
- I’m also very addicted to coffee.
- However now I am working not one but two projects. They are quite the opposite in style. I would call one an erotic thriller, and the other a bloody epic tale.
- I also am trying to discipline myself to make sure I write something everyday and get to post on this blog at least once a week.
- I’m also trying to read and research more.
- I have been and I still am working on recovering from some personal issues. It’s been a rough six months. I hope to write a story or two from it.
I’m giving myself daily goals. . .
- Excerise daily (whether it’s you tube or just a walk)
- Write something everyday
- Read something everyday
- Eat better
I had plans for writing everyday and post a bunch of blogs. . . it has not happened because as of Dec 30th circumstances had changed.
I hope to get things back to my goals soon, but for now please be patient with me. (I think I am writing this more for myself than my few, wonderful readers.)
Many of my friends on here have been asking about me. . . I am currently numb. I just helped an ex (who was still a good friend of mine) he had gotten a liver transplant in August and was good until his sudden death a week ago. I am still trying to spin my head around this.
It started with an exploratory surgery and ended 14 days later with my ex (still a good friend) dying of cancer of his new liver, in his stomach, and lymph nodes.
I just don’t understand, I was talking to him, watching him work on physical therapy one day and two days later in tears as they announced time of death.
I had been blocked because I had been busy going back and forth from ICU to my appointments and such . . . I little time to think clearly. Now I have time, I’m just stunned.
I due plan to continue with writing, but I just do NOT know how fast it will be. (He would have wanted me to never stop my writing. I hope that he’ll be my inspiration.)
This is the first time in six years I am not going to finish NaNoWriMo. I had 13,955 words.
I had some person issue come to surface, and my novel for (NaNo) is getting put on the back burner. I have been professional advised to change genres (from horror and genre) until I get my personal issues figured out.
I do feel dishearten and discouraged about it, but I need to focus on some issues and clear out the cobwebs. I will be writing everyday, I was told to which is awesome. I’m just trying my focus.
I hope that next year or even my Camp NaNo I will be ready to write again.
I have no stopped writing; in fact, I have been encouraged to keep writing. I will also be keeping this blog going when I can.
Please keep reading and writing.
Writer Vs Non-supporters
It is really hard to write when you live with non-supporters!
I’ve been told…
- “You write too much!”
- “Writing is overrated.”
- “Books are going obsolete.”
- “Stop writing and do something worth your time!”
- “Vampires & ghosts have been overdone.”
- “Your grammar sucks!”
- “Why try?”
- “There is no way you will finish a book.” (This one for reading and writing)
- “You are wasting your time!”
- “Writing is unstable!”
- “You cannot make money from writing!”
- “If you have no money, then you might as well quit mow. You cannot write a book without money.”
It’s hard to win get started when you feel like you are set up to fail. They made me feel like a failure, and like I will never succeed. How do I know if I can climb the mountain, unless I try to climb it first?
This does not help my depression and anxiety that they know I have. I also get mix emotions when they get me a computer with a pen with it, but complain whom I am on it too much . . .go figure!
There is something I have learned (beside my hatred for cleaning) . . . I’ve learned that I can clean the whole house: make everything freaking sparkle, make a seven course meal, serve the meal to lots of guests (which also makes me anxious) and do errands, clean up after those guests, and pay all of the bills… BUT if I did NOT write that day, I felt unproductive!
To me writing isn’t just telling a story to someone:
- It is expressing myself and giving the readers a little piece of me.
- It’s also my therapy as page listens way better than most noisy people.
- It is also my escape and my hope.
- It is my creation.
To those who do NOT support me writing, then you do NOT know me. I’m a good person, and I have been writing for over 25 years; I do NOT think it is a waste. Then you might as well say that all of my education was a waste too, and I think it was not. If you want to drop me, leave and stop supporting me, fine. I’m sorry for lost, but not the fact that you’ll probably be victims in my next novels . . . * evil laugh with lighting in the background*
Writing Vs My Health
I have several health issues that have me sleeping more and writing less. (Anemia, Diabetes, and Sleep Apnea just to name a few. . .) My sleep have been so bad that I have choked more than once falling asleep while eating. (Even after a full night sleep. . )
I wish I was younger, and I could just fill up on caffeine and write for hours. (However this is the wrong house hold for that, but that is another blog.)
There are times I’m just so exhausted that I cannot focus. There are times I’m sad or easily distracted.
Non writers/artist just do not always understand from hard it can be to get motivated, inspired, and in that writing groove.
Sometimes I’m deep into thought or into my story, and I had no idea first how much time has gone by . . . (That to me is pure bliss!)
Other times, I am deep in thought, and I get interrupted . . . then lose my thought. I get so flustered that it exhausts me. (It happens a lot in the house I am currently living in. It can be frustrating; again different blog.)
There are times I have to focus on writing a time so long it take all my energy out of me. There are times where it takes forever for me to write just a few lines; it’s so frustrating. Then I get sad because I sleep more than write. My depression makes me tired, so it’s a bad cycle. I used to think that sleeping should be for the dead. But there are times I feel more dead than alive.
This is just one reason why some day for NaNoWriMo, I might write 5,000 words and other days just write a 200-300 words.
I just wish I could get better, so I can write some more!