I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.
I have read two books in the last 12 days and wrote 9277 words in the last 5 days.
I just hope I can keep this up. I want to get all of the parts done.
I have changed my genre to thriller/ drama/ and adult romance.
I hope to go back to paranormal, but not at the moment.
I hate endings. . .
I hate writing them.
I hate reading them.
I hate when the book is done.
I love the fresh, new beginning. The nervousness, the excitement of the unknown. NOT endings, I hate how all endings are just over.
I like staying in the path. . . just keep moving.
I love crossroads where you can stay, go back or keep going.
I enjoy look at tunnel knowing there is still a journey a head. I hate the light at the end. . . it’s over.
Sorry, I just finished reading a book.
You put all of the energy to love or hate the characters and just as everything figures itself out . . . it’s all done.
I’m not saying some endings are bad, some are brilliant. However those who end with leaving me on the edge. This book did that . . . yes I know it’s a trilogy, so on to book two. (I’m done with my rant.)
I’ve learned a few things about myself and socializing over the years.
- I really don’t think I am that good it (socializing). I always feared of saying the wrong thing growing up.
- Now that I am older, I believe in the truth; this show who my real friends are and who can handle me, and sometimes who I can handle. (if that dress doesn’t work for you, I am not afraid to say so.)
- I speak more when I am drinking, but I do not drink a lot. I have health issues and drinking can really mess those up.
- I am really more anti-social as I get older. A part of it is that I don’t want to put extra energy into a friendship in which I will just used. Another part is I do like my own time for reading and writing.
So I do majority of my socializing online. I am in many writing groups. I am very social in October just before NaNoWriMo.
I have learned there are groups of people once you tell them that I writing a book or stories (and that I dream of being a famous author) . . .
I deal with each differently.
It’s not good or bad. I try not be a b**** or brat. . .
I try to treat everyone civil. (Yeah, I have my mood swings and can get jealous and cranky. It’s usually just my imbalanced hormones.)
This is my series. . . the different people I deal with as a writer.
I had plans for writing everyday and post a bunch of blogs. . . it has not happened because as of Dec 30th circumstances had changed.
I hope to get things back to my goals soon, but for now please be patient with me. (I think I am writing this more for myself than my few, wonderful readers.)
Many of my friends on here have been asking about me. . . I am currently numb. I just helped an ex (who was still a good friend of mine) he had gotten a liver transplant in August and was good until his sudden death a week ago. I am still trying to spin my head around this.
It started with an exploratory surgery and ended 14 days later with my ex (still a good friend) dying of cancer of his new liver, in his stomach, and lymph nodes.
I just don’t understand, I was talking to him, watching him work on physical therapy one day and two days later in tears as they announced time of death.
I had been blocked because I had been busy going back and forth from ICU to my appointments and such . . . I little time to think clearly. Now I have time, I’m just stunned.
I due plan to continue with writing, but I just do NOT know how fast it will be. (He would have wanted me to never stop my writing. I hope that he’ll be my inspiration.)
Writing Goals for 2017
- I want to write 1 to 4 hour (averaging at 2.5).
- I want to give myself 3 to 10 (20 minutes) word sprints daily (averaging 5)
- I want to finish old projects.
- I want to work on some new project ideas.
- I want to explore new genres.
- I want to get some short stories published.
- I want to write 200 blogs (over all of my blogs)
- I want to write about my depression and anxiety.
- I want to enter some contests. (Including Camp NaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo)
- I know I NEED to edit several projects.
- I just want to write something everyday.
- I want to write more books reviews.
- I want to read more. (2 books a month.)
New Project Ideas
- Adult works
- Blog Prompts
- Story Prompts
- Writing Tips
- Anxiety and depression ideas
- Diabetes project
- Character video project
Projects that I need to Finish
- Love Need Time (rewrite novel idea)
- Hero project (comic idea)
- DWAG (online soap opera)
- College story
- Driving Lies part 3
Projects I need to edit
- The Whisper Path
- Darken Cake
- Many short stories
- Driving Lies Parts 1 & 2
2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.
Things I accomplished in 2016.
- I wrote over 50 blogs in this page. (140 blogs throughout all of my pages).Links to my other blogs
- I have at least 15 followers. ( I hope I have entertained and help some follow writers. I also to get more this year.)
- I written over 225,000 words ( I know not quite the goal of 500,000, but not bad with all I have gone through.)
- I started Book 2 in my vampire series. (However due to some emotional issues; it is on the back burner for a while.)
- I have written two diaries this year.
Things I have learned in 2016
- I have figured out some of my muses. https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/10/19/introduction-my-muses/
- I realized that winning NaNoWriMo doesn’t stop the world. It isn’t everything. (Bit does feel good when I win. I’m sad because they don’t work with http://www.createspace.com anymore.)
- I write really well in chaos, especially while visiting in the hospital. (I’m even there now.)
- I write way more than I edit.
- I am more of an adder than a cutter when it comes to words.
- I can not write well around who don’t support it.
- I was suggested to put my paranormal/horror/occult genres aside for a while. . . (until I figure the source of my depression and anxiety.)
- I will still write even though many people think I write too much.
- I give myself much more ambitious goals than I can achieve. (for example: write 500,000 words.) I plan to push it down to 300,000 words in 2017.
- It has been a very emotional year for my muses and I.
- I was easily distracted this year.
- I rather edit than clean.
- I need to realize that writing is for me. It is a good expression of therapy for me.
- I had a therapy book and/or release book before I started therapy.
- The people I looked up to were the ones who seem to criticize when I wrote a lot.