I should be writing 

I should be writing. . . 

I’ve had a lot of things happen this past two weeks and I should get them out. 

Maybe write a short story or two.

Maybe a list of problems and goals . . . Pros and cons.

Yesterday, I got new pens and notebook that are just sitting in the corner just collecting dust. 

I just have no motivation, no pep, and I even feel I’m so depressed I’m bumming out my muses. It sucks. 

I should just say fuck the world and write. 

A Personal Note

I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.

I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.

 

sonic-the-hedgehog-2-casino-night-zone-boss-robotnik

A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com

However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.

I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.

th

 

 

Confession #5: I hate endings

I hate endings. . .
I hate writing them.
I hate reading them.
I hate when the book is done.

I love the fresh, new beginning. The nervousness, the excitement of the unknown. NOT endings, I hate how all endings are just over.

I like staying in the path. . .  just keep moving.
I love crossroads where you can stay, go back or keep going.
I enjoy look at tunnel knowing there is still a journey a head. I hate the light at the end. . . it’s over.

Sorry, I just finished reading a book. 

You put all of the energy to love or hate the characters and just as everything figures itself out . . . it’s all done.

I’m not saying some endings are bad, some are brilliant. However those who end with leaving me on the edge. This book did that . . . yes I know it’s a trilogy, so on to book two. (I’m done with my rant.)

New Writing Series: Dealing with People

I’ve learned a few things about myself and socializing over the years.

  • I really don’t think I am that good it (socializing). I always feared of saying the wrong thing growing up.
  • Now that I am older, I believe in the truth; this show who my real friends are and who can handle me, and sometimes who I can handle. (if that dress doesn’t work for you, I am not afraid to say so.)
  • I speak more when I am drinking, but I do not drink a lot. I have health issues and drinking can really mess those up.
  • I am really more anti-social as I get older. A part of it is that I don’t want to put extra energy into a friendship in which I will just used. Another part is I do like my own time for reading and writing.

So I do majority of my socializing online. I am in many writing groups. I am very social in October just before NaNoWriMo.

I have learned there are groups of people once you tell them that I writing a book or stories (and that I dream of being a famous author) . . .

I deal with each differently.

It’s not good or bad. I try not be a b**** or brat. . .

I try to treat everyone civil. (Yeah, I have my mood swings and can get jealous and cranky. It’s usually just my imbalanced hormones.)

This is my series. . . the different people I deal with as a writer.

Stuck in a web of writer’s block

I had plans for writing everyday and post a bunch of blogs. . . it has not happened because as of Dec 30th circumstances had changed.

I hope to get things back to my goals soon, but for now please be patient with me. (I think I am writing this more for myself than my few, wonderful readers.)

Many of my friends on here have been asking about me. . . I am currently numb. I just helped an ex (who was still a good friend of mine) he had gotten a liver transplant in August and was good until his sudden death a week ago. I am still trying to spin my head around this.

It started with an exploratory surgery and ended 14 days later with my ex (still a good friend) dying of cancer of his new liver, in his stomach, and lymph nodes.

I just don’t understand, I was talking to him, watching him work on physical therapy one day and two days later in tears as they announced time of death.

I had been blocked because I had been busy going back and forth from ICU to my appointments and such . . . I little time to think clearly. Now I have time, I’m just stunned.

I due plan to continue with writing, but I just do NOT know how fast it will be. (He would have wanted me to never stop my writing. I hope that he’ll be my inspiration.) 

 

Writing Goals for 2017

Writing Goals for 2017

  1. I want to write 1 to 4 hour (averaging at 2.5).
  2. I want to give myself 3 to 10 (20 minutes) word sprints daily (averaging 5)
  3. I want to finish old projects.
  4. I want to work on some new project ideas.
  5. I want to explore new genres.
  6. I want to get some short stories published.
  7. I want to write 200 blogs (over all of my blogs)
  8. I want to write about my depression and anxiety.
  9. I want to enter some contests. (Including Camp NaNoWriMo and NaNoWriMo)
  10. I know I NEED to edit several projects.
  11. I just want to write something everyday.
  12. I want to write more books reviews.
  13. I want to read more. (2 books a month.)

New Project Ideas

  1. Adult works
  2. Blog Prompts
  3. Story Prompts
  4. Writing Tips
  5. Romance
  6. Spirituality
  7. Anxiety and depression ideas
  8. Diabetes project
  9. Character video project

Projects that I need to Finish

  1. Love Need Time (rewrite novel idea)
  2. Hero project (comic idea)
  3. DWAG (online soap opera)
  4. College story
  5. Driving Lies part 3

Projects I need to edit

  1. The Whisper Path
  2. Melzela
  3. Darken Cake
  4. Many short stories
  5. Driving Lies Parts 1 & 2