I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley. I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.
I had plans for writing everyday and post a bunch of blogs. . . it has not happened because as of Dec 30th circumstances had changed.
I hope to get things back to my goals soon, but for now please be patient with me. (I think I am writing this more for myself than my few, wonderful readers.)
Many of my friends on here have been asking about me. . . I am currently numb. I just helped an ex (who was still a good friend of mine) he had gotten a liver transplant in August and was good until his sudden death a week ago. I am still trying to spin my head around this.
It started with an exploratory surgery and ended 14 days later with my ex (still a good friend) dying of cancer of his new liver, in his stomach, and lymph nodes.
I just don’t understand, I was talking to him, watching him work on physical therapy one day and two days later in tears as they announced time of death.
I had been blocked because I had been busy going back and forth from ICU to my appointments and such . . . I little time to think clearly. Now I have time, I’m just stunned.
I due plan to continue with writing, but I just do NOT know how fast it will be. (He would have wanted me to never stop my writing. I hope that he’ll be my inspiration.)
2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.
Things I accomplished in 2016.
I wrote over 50 blogs in this page. (140 blogs throughout all of my pages).Links to my other blogs
I have at least 15 followers. ( I hope I have entertained and help some follow writers. I also to get more this year.)
I written over 225,000 words ( I know not quite the goal of 500,000, but not bad with all I have gone through.)
I started Book 2 in my vampire series. (However due to some emotional issues; it is on the back burner for a while.)
It is really hard to write when you live with non-supporters!
I’ve been told…
“You write too much!”
“Writing is overrated.”
“Books are going obsolete.”
“Stop writing and do something worth your time!”
“Vampires & ghosts have been overdone.”
“Your grammar sucks!”
“There is no way you will finish a book.” (This one for reading and writing)
“You are wasting your time!”
“Writing is unstable!”
“You cannot make money from writing!”
“If you have no money, then you might as well quit mow. You cannot write a book without money.”
It’s hard to win get started when you feel like you are set up to fail. They made me feel like a failure, and like I will never succeed. How do I know if I can climb the mountain, unless I try to climb it first?
This does not help my depression and anxiety that they know I have. I also get mix emotions when they get me a computer with a pen with it, but complain whom I am on it too much . . .go figure!
There is something I have learned (beside my hatred for cleaning) . . . I’ve learned that I can clean the whole house: make everything freaking sparkle, make a seven course meal, serve the meal to lots of guests (which also makes me anxious) and do errands, clean up after those guests, and pay all of the bills… BUT if I did NOT write that day, I felt unproductive!
To me writing isn’t just telling a story to someone:
It is expressing myself and giving the readers a little piece of me.
It’s also my therapy as page listens way better than most noisy people.
It is also my escape and my hope.
It is my creation.
To those who do NOT support me writing, then you do NOT know me. I’m a good person, and I have been writing for over 25 years; I do NOT think it is a waste. Then you might as well say that all of my education was a waste too, and I think it was not. If you want to drop me, leave and stop supporting me, fine. I’m sorry for lost, but not the fact that you’ll probably be victims in my next novels . . . * evil laugh with lighting in the background*