I love writing; in fact, I believe it’s what I live for.

However I fight with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and now I am learning PCOS (it’s a female things, I am 90% of all of the symptoms.)

I get easily frustrated when I can’t get all of the things I want to done, because my depression, or anxiety instantly drained me. I would love to use my writing to release my negativity, but there are days were I can barely get out of bed or pick up a pen. (I’m currently in a living situation where my computer and sleep Cpap machine are taking up the same space. I have to take one down to put the other one up.)

Last week, I finished chapter 8 after I had to rewrite it (because I had a corrupted file.)  My depression and anxiety just did not let me enjoy my accomplishment. I just wish I can get rid of the negative feelings.

I give myself goal and they usually get blown out of proportion because something happens: doctor appointment goes wrong, my female issues come up (and drain me so bad I do not get out bed for days) or extra errands. I have learned that at times if I do too much that day, my writing (goals) suffer.

I wish I could focus primarily on my writing, but I cannot until I take care of my health and get a better place.

 

This does NOT mean I will stop writing, but I just realized that things will probably slow down, because even today, I had a horrible migraine in my eyes and the humidity just made it worst. I just wanted to write and I know my family is going to want the lights off. Grrr.

I just hope to post more blogs, short stories, and the last two chapters of third installment on  my thriller trilogy set.

I even made a new instagram account Rebekah Quinne Instagram

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Writing Suggestion

First of all, this is not advice, because deep down 90% of people never take the advice when someone gives it anyway.

Secondly, I writing this blog more for myself (self talk), but if it helps others . . . awesome!

My suggestion: Focus on your own writings. 

Do not worry if some self-published writer had 60 novels and three amazon awards.
(It doesn’t make you any less of a writer.) 
Just say congrads and if they have a book give away, read it and see what the hype is. (Note: They might not even be in your genres.)

Write down your goals and dreams and focus on what you want to do for you. 
Be happy when you even get one fan (that is not a friend or family, who would say that you are good no matter what. . . And thank your family for their support and putting up with you. . . you can get cranky interrupted from your writing mode. )
Enjoy the compliments. (Say thank you and focus back into your work)
Use the criticism to help your work. (Remember not everyone is going to enjoy your work. Focus on your target audience, once your figure out who they are.)

Stop comparing your work to others.
Your work is different and your fans enjoy work.

Focus and you can make your dreams come true!

 

Thoughts in my head at 4am

It’s always happen this way . . . it’s 4am in the morning and my brain and my muses will NOT wine down.

It can be any other day when I am not doing anything and they do not want to work either.
However when I have to get up and go to do errands.

My brain just keep going and going.  . . . So many thoughts.

  • Will I ever finish my book if my computer keeps corrupting my files? (Grrr)
  • Why does overheating cause my files to corrupt? (I just do not know why those would even be related. I’m so flustered that I put over a week of work only for it to go to a black screen just at the last line. . . just before I hit save. GRRRR. (I lose a week worth of word count just about 8,000 words, my computer over heated and entire chapter got corrupted. . . GRRRRR)
  • Am I really talented or am I wasting time? (I am torn with this, but then again hours of writing with coffee, soda or tea in my travel mug. . . is my currently bliss. I just would love to be famous or at least Very well known for my written work. I want to be the author if Stephen King and Anne Rice had a kid together. . . I know it sounds weird, but I love both author’s works. I already have three people within the week that are interested in my driving thriller. )
  • Do NaNoWriMo or Camp NaNoWriMo really help? (I mean I push myself for that month to get words in my books, but are they that good? Do I really need to push my novel in so many weeks like Stephen King does? I mean he already has several publisher. . . Why am I even asking myself those questions? It’s my damn anxiety and depression monsters trying to think they are logical, but they are just trying to keep me down so that they get more powerful. Grrrr)
  • Why do I keep getting hit on by guys 50 or older? (I feel like I am the good kid that parents all liked a bit too much.) (It would be really weird the guys 20 years older than me look at me like a healthy sexual being.) Age is a thing to me. . . I would like someone closer to my age. There is a difference between 10 years, defiantly between 20 years. (I mean back when my uncle went to school they had a smoking lounge. Matters, slang, how people look at things all change with time. I have not found anyone 10 years and older that truly understand me.)
  • Why can’t I play Words with Friends (WWF) without getting guys 50 plus who have kids and instantly think I want to fill the void of their dead wife? (I do not want to be a replacement “mommy” while my own body will not allow me to make my own, and the guy my father’s age is having a secret affair with his secretary. I just want to play a game of scramble and beat my highest score of 437. I use words with friends and word scape to keep my brain fresh for my writing and reading skills.)
  • Will I get ever get professionally published? (This does not be self-published to be lost in the amazon.com sea of so-so books. I mean to find a real publisher, agent, and editor on my team to help me sell and promote my book while they have me go from book store to book store signing books while everyone want to know what will happen next in my vampire and ghost series. I need a real publisher and editor. . . I am so overwhelmed. )
  • Will I get a better place and have bigger desk, nicer pc, and cat? (I also want a kitchen, bath tub, and my own recliner. When will this happen?)

 

It’s almost 5 am. . . I think I need to sleep now. . . hopefully dreaming of publishing and getting a nicer place.

Half way Point

It is Day 15 and it is the half way point on Camp NaNoWriMo. I am at 20,688. I defiantly think I will get to my goal 35,000 this month.

I just finished Chapter 7. It’s just at the point where the “Bad Guy” is starting to lose his money and his luck. (Of course this book 3 of 3 Driving Lies trilogy.)  I can’t wait to have the book ended and completely. I really enjoyed writing this story.

The irony of the story is that I created to try to face my fear of driving.  However I think it just made more cautious about who fixes my friends’ and families’ cars.

However I have enjoyed writing a story with two different perspectives.

I hope to get edited and published soon.

I have several people already interested. I am so excited. I feel like a writer, an author! Chair Dance!

Romantic Distraction

Camp NaNoWriMo started April 1st and so far I got 2511 words. . . 

I do not normally post my personal life on this blog, but I am flustered and grateful. 

For Camp NaNo, I am finished a story, I started for NaNoWriMo in 2011. (When I was still with my ex, Tom.) There are some spicy scene between a few of my characters. . . you have to have a dramatic love element in a good thriller.

I will admit I have been lonely lately, as I have not really dated in over a year.

Against my personal blog (http://beckyms1213.wordpress.com) I got back on a few personal sites. (Even if it is just to find some friends, but I am started to believe people are about business or they are fake online.  The real people are actually out living life.)

As much as I love love struggling with the Internet. . . I am just beginning to believe it’s full of distractions and scammers.

I got a personal site and this what I thought was really cute guy messaged me. Of course within ten lines asked for outside chat (like Kik, hang out, or skype.)

Anyway, his answers were long and too poetic. . . they did not feel real so I took a tip from one of my favorite shows “Catfish” and I googled his replies and the first thing can up was a scam site.

So  if you get an answer or text like this. . . (it’s a scammer).

“My ambition is to inspire your beloved woman constantly and stand by my nations I want the peace for the world, to help her to keep the balance between career and private life, just as she would also inspire me to do good. Love is most paramount for me, i need a companion to share my life with, who wants to create a strong family. I want to take long walks with her and share what life has in stall for us both joy and sorrow. I’d like to look up to her as an authority for me, be proud of her, adore her, be supportive, she would have my devotion understanding,kindness, care, calmness, cheerfulness,soul support and my great love. I expect to get all these traits from her too in return, Everyone wants something good for themselves, or don’t you wish yourself well? ”

This was a direct quote I found from a scamming website.
https://www.scamwarners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=58426

It sucked because his pics were cute. Oh well, I’m grateful now I can go back my regularly schedule program of working on my Camp NaNoWriMo projects.

 

I’m a writer

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This week has been up and down. I’ve been fighting both writer’s block and depression (and yes, I think they are linked this time).

I have always had issues with my physical appearance as I am bigger woman. I have tried the exercise and diets ,. . . I will lose 20 ponds here or there, but I still end up gaining it back and then some. I have learned to deal with myself.  So when someone calls me beautiful, pretty, cute etc. . . I will say thank you but I usually blow it off. (As there are usually at least two negative comments on weight compared to the positive.)

However. 

The comments, compliment, encourage comes from my writing truly makes my day!

  • I love when those say they love my writing.
  • They said they enjoyed my writing.
  • When they say they want to read more.
  • When they say my writing touches their soul.
  • When they say they can relate to characters.
  • When they call me a real writer.
  • When they said I will be published soon. (They had more hope than I did.)

Writing comments and compliments mean more to me as physical issues only last so long, but my writing can touch other now and in the future.

Editing Almost Over

Camp NaNoWriMo is almost here. . .

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I have three hours of editing left and between tonight and tomorrow I will get it done.

However I feel I barely touched my novel. I think I will need to rewrite and edit in May. Hopefully by then I will have two projects to edit.

There are some day where I could focus, and get hours of editing done.

Then there were times where I was completely distracted with yoworld, words with friends, and frustration over weak bi-polar wifi.

I learned it’s hard to put a headset on and edit as I have read and reread my pieces.

I wish I had money for someone else to edit for me.

Just less than 25 hours for Camp NaNoWriMo. Yay. 

However 50 hours of editing is nothing to complain about. . . I cut out a lot of my story and rewriting to make it more of the ghosts then of therapy.
Version A was my therapy. Version B and up were my paranormal story. 

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