I should be writing. . .
I’ve had a lot of things happen this past two weeks and I should get them out.
Maybe write a short story or two.
Maybe a list of problems and goals . . . Pros and cons.
Yesterday, I got new pens and notebook that are just sitting in the corner just collecting dust.
I just have no motivation, no pep, and I even feel I’m so depressed I’m bumming out my muses. It sucks.
I should just say fuck the world and write.
I just want to say, I’m happy that camp nanowrimo got to the donation goal, if I ever get some extra cash, I will donate.
I finished with 31,461. I had changed my goal to 31k. As my mom explained I did this entire thing by hand. Between, my nervous breakdown downs, hand cramps, and health issues, it was a struggle to get those words in.
I’ve learned a lot in the last 30 days.
- I love writing as much as I love my family and cats. However this project (and it’s just starting) is actually work. (I had a nervous breakdown, and opened an emotional pandora’s box. I have had to face my past issues, . . .the things I did, did not do, words I have said, did not say. Reviewing issues made me cry, and I have found anger, I didn’t know I even had. I’m trying to figure out how I can release that in a creative way.)
- I’ve learned about myself. (I do not like authority. I hate being out of control, and I am still angry.)
- I write best at a table or desk (with my live in situation, it’s hard to get one right now.)
- If I write more than 3.5k in a day, for this project, then I’m overwhelmed and exhausted for the next few days. (I think I should only work on this project twice a week.)
- I have gotten more out of this project than I have with professional therapy.
- I am very easily distracted with the Internet.
- I write best when I have caffeine and no Internet.
- While writing so much, coffee is my friend.
- I appreciate my mom pushing me even if I snap.
My goal is have draft one by December 31st 2017, but I’m not sure how much work that is going to be.
Today has been first day in a week, I have written. It was touch and go, because to be honest I lost my first 2500 words. I was frustrated, but I laughed and worked through it.
I have to give some credit to mom . . . She has dealt with all of my mood swings and yet she is still pushing me to write even with her tablet while my computer collects dust.
She wants me to get to my writing goal so I can treat myself with notebooks, pens (which she borrows) and cups.
My camp nanowrimo goal 35k. If I reach 30k I will be content to allow myself to get my notebooks and pens at school time prices. If I get to my 35k I will get myself a travel cup as well. However I have four days to go to 22k to 35k . . . Can I do it?
One of my health problem is insomnia, especially when I have a lot on my mind.
I think I will get some sleep, maybe and then . . . today will be a therapy day, and if I make my work count or not, I need to get better. I need to get my tangled thoughts out of my frustrated head.
I wish I could make money from my writings and make it first priority, but it is just this time in my life. Bummer.
But what I have learned is the greatest writers live and struggle to make great writing.
My word count is really behind by 3500 by now. . . (I’m still over 22k out of 35k). My problem is with my health issues and errands, I get exhausted so easily. I mention this a lot in my personal blog. (my personal blog)
Even now I have a headache, but I am working through it.
The thing is this project is a therapy project it is taking a lot out of me, and I haven’t even gotten to the meat of the issues yet. Then add the issues that I am currently doing with, I’m not sure if I am going to actually finish my word count. This project was done by hand too.
Issues going on
- Dealing with negative family members
- Lack of motivation (depression and exhaustion)
- Panic and anxiety attacks
- Hormone issues (solitude vs feeling lonely)
- Nightmares vs weird dreams
- Insomnia (feel like a zombie)
- Stomach issues (yes, I need to get to the doctor.)
I love coffee almost as much as I love Pepsi.
If I were to take all of my muses in a coffee shop. I personally will not pay 5 dollars or more for a coffee. If I got blender, I can make my own mocha frappe. I’m happy with a cup of maxwell house coffee mixed with flavored creamers.
- Chorline: caramel latte with artistic steam milk and will Instagram a pic before drinking
- Emma: French Vanilla cappuccino
- Mary: black with sugar
- Jack: strong black
- Starre: chocolate flavored coffee with cream and sugar and whipped cream
- Luna: French Vanilla latte
- Kelly: iced mocha
I need to be up 18k to get caught up, but I am just over 14.5k.
Between, errands and my health . . . this is driving me crazy.
There is not enough coffee and flavored creamer or Pepsi in this world to keep me awake and motivated.
Gotta go back to writing.
It is very weird though, the more I am writing and facing my past, the more I am seeing things I was blind to. . . Was I was blind because I loved the guy or was it just that native?