Thoughts in my head at 4am

It’s always happen this way . . . it’s 4am in the morning and my brain and my muses will NOT wine down.

It can be any other day when I am not doing anything and they do not want to work either.
However when I have to get up and go to do errands.

My brain just keep going and going.  . . . So many thoughts.

  • Will I ever finish my book if my computer keeps corrupting my files? (Grrr)
  • Why does overheating cause my files to corrupt? (I just do not know why those would even be related. I’m so flustered that I put over a week of work only for it to go to a black screen just at the last line. . . just before I hit save. GRRRR. (I lose a week worth of word count just about 8,000 words, my computer over heated and entire chapter got corrupted. . . GRRRRR)
  • Am I really talented or am I wasting time? (I am torn with this, but then again hours of writing with coffee, soda or tea in my travel mug. . . is my currently bliss. I just would love to be famous or at least Very well known for my written work. I want to be the author if Stephen King and Anne Rice had a kid together. . . I know it sounds weird, but I love both author’s works. I already have three people within the week that are interested in my driving thriller. )
  • Do NaNoWriMo or Camp NaNoWriMo really help? (I mean I push myself for that month to get words in my books, but are they that good? Do I really need to push my novel in so many weeks like Stephen King does? I mean he already has several publisher. . . Why am I even asking myself those questions? It’s my damn anxiety and depression monsters trying to think they are logical, but they are just trying to keep me down so that they get more powerful. Grrrr)
  • Why do I keep getting hit on by guys 50 or older? (I feel like I am the good kid that parents all liked a bit too much.) (It would be really weird the guys 20 years older than me look at me like a healthy sexual being.) Age is a thing to me. . . I would like someone closer to my age. There is a difference between 10 years, defiantly between 20 years. (I mean back when my uncle went to school they had a smoking lounge. Matters, slang, how people look at things all change with time. I have not found anyone 10 years and older that truly understand me.)
  • Why can’t I play Words with Friends (WWF) without getting guys 50 plus who have kids and instantly think I want to fill the void of their dead wife? (I do not want to be a replacement “mommy” while my own body will not allow me to make my own, and the guy my father’s age is having a secret affair with his secretary. I just want to play a game of scramble and beat my highest score of 437. I use words with friends and word scape to keep my brain fresh for my writing and reading skills.)
  • Will I get ever get professionally published? (This does not be self-published to be lost in the amazon.com sea of so-so books. I mean to find a real publisher, agent, and editor on my team to help me sell and promote my book while they have me go from book store to book store signing books while everyone want to know what will happen next in my vampire and ghost series. I need a real publisher and editor. . . I am so overwhelmed. )
  • Will I get a better place and have bigger desk, nicer pc, and cat? (I also want a kitchen, bath tub, and my own recliner. When will this happen?)

 

It’s almost 5 am. . . I think I need to sleep now. . . hopefully dreaming of publishing and getting a nicer place.

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My Happy Time

I’ve been dealing with wifi issues. . . so I have time to write and I have no focus, sigh.

My favorite time even now. . . just sitting in front of a screen and getting ready to type.

I loved the time when I was with my ex (may he rest in peace.) The four hours I have while he would sleep (while our sleep schedules were overlap). I would drink my soda or coffee and work on my writings. ( I especially loved it during NaNoWriMo time.)

I wish I could have those four hours by myself at least Monday thru Friday.

I just want to write each day for so many hours and have focus while I have that time. (Currently, I just try to plug myself in to my music and focus so that all those around disappear and I can simply focus on whatever story I am working on.)
It’s my happy time. 

Trying (Distraction)

It seems ever since I declared: I’m not looking for someone at the moment and  I am focusing on me and my work. . .  guys have been coming out of the woodwork to hit on me.  (I do NOT not want face-time, I do not want to exchange numbers, I do NOT want to meet, especially when I don’t know you, and I will NOT get naughty on the first meeting. I am NOT a catfish, I am a very real BBW female, but I just do not want a relationship at this moment.)

I’m NOT in a phase of my life to be ready to deal in a relationship.  I mention this in my other blog http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/

If you want to be friends, then keep it online right now. Message me, and I will message you when I can. 

I got an extender as told my my landlord, but then I found out that other clients are over using the wifi so by the time it hits my extender, I barely have internet at all. Sigh.
It took me 25 minutes to post a twitter yesterday, and over two hours to get this blog set up. GRRR.

So right now since my computer works, I plan to focus on my writings. I am a writer; it’s my happiness.

Just for those out there messaging me over and over, it will not change my mind, and I need to focus on me. You WILL NOT change my mind.

If you are a reader, please use my links on my pinned Blog and HAPPY READING!

Sigh

I don’t just feel useless and depressed, but now I’m starting to feel hopeless too.

I feel depressed over some mental (not writing is one of them, which makes me feel useless,) emotionally I’m lonely and even my therapy friends are too busy to listen, and my physical health issues.

A friend of mine who has always been very encouraging to me put down my writing. I know not everyone is going to like my work, but he didn’t just put down my writing, but my future hopes and dreams. (Thing is he didn’t base it on my talent, but my lack of connections.)

Writing is the number one thing to my happiness. It has been for years. Why would someone try to bash it?

What a way to start 2018.

Relations vs writing part 2 

I posted this in November Balancing Romance and Writing . . . 

Summary: I had a guy who I wanted to be my boyfriend for about six weeks, but we are in two different places in our lives. However we agreed to be just friends, and I am glad to have him in my life ( minus the his complaining.)

Most people ( minus my supporting mom and brother) say I write too much, but my friend said it was okay for me to write

I tried to write while he worked, so when he was home, I could spend time with him. I was trying to give my undivided attention to him as I learned in the past that I annoyed others being stuck in my own world. 

The thing is that the longer I stay away from my writing, the less of myself, I feel. . .

I know who I am. . . 

  • I am a writer and storyteller! 
  • I am brutually honest and yet vividly creative.
  • I can not leave the house for days at a time with my head in a tablet or computer screen.
  • I love lists and have scheduled my life around my writing. 
  • I’m a creative mess, but I am a damn good, semi-organized researcher. 
  • I need someone who encourages me. 


I do not need . . .

  • Someone who wants kids. ( I prefer my four pawed babies, cats.)
  • Someone complaining that we had another slow-cooker dinner, (please be grateful I am a damn creative and good cook.)
  • Someone who doesn’t want to be immortalized in my written work, (because a high chance he will inspire a character or two or ten.)
  • Someone who says I write too much. 
  • Someone who says I am too messy.
  • Someone who says I am too moody ( when it comes to writing, I’m not cranky, I’m passionate.)

  I’m not a family originated female. I’m fine with that. I’m fun, positive, talkative, and perky. I’m auntie Becky and I’m fine with that. 

I just need someone who understands. . . I’m a writer. I will not change myself for anyone!

If a guy cannot handle that then he needs to find someone else

Writing vs the Holiday

  1. I love to write.
  2. I love to cook.
  3. I love to bake.
  4. I love to color.
  5. I love to listen to music. (And sing along)
  6. I love to watch movies.
  7. I love to go shopping.

    Most of these are in random order, except my writing. I love to write. It is my passion. 

    So with the holidays, I am always busy in the kitchen. I am making the turkey this year, and I will be very busy Thursday and Friday with my male friend. (Long story, but I’ll explain in my other blog soon. Http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com )

    I want to double my word count for the rest of of Nanowrimo.  I hope I get to 50,000 words by November 30th. 

    I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive

    I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. 

    Writing for me, even just 5 minutes or 8 hours is something special.

     It is a chaotic, artistic, sweet moment to see my colorful thoughts go from black and white to color again. 

    So I hope I get sometime to write. I still need to cook and hang out with my friend. 

    Balancing romance and writing

    I’ve been told I write too much, and I’ve seen it get in the way and caused  many fights with my ex’s and I. 

    However I was told “don’t put away your writing for me.”

    Some of the best words a writer could hear. . . 
    My new guy seems to believe in me and my writing dreams. I hope not let him down and those who support me. 

    However when he is home, I want to spend as much time with him as I can. (I just hope I’m not being too demanding in my time, I mean our time.)

    I also try to balance writing and cleaning while he works so I can spend sometime with him when he gets home. Ultimate balance is time with him and writing.