Sigh

I don’t just feel useless and depressed, but now I’m starting to feel hopeless too.

I feel depressed over some mental (not writing is one of them, which makes me feel useless,) emotionally I’m lonely and even my therapy friends are too busy to listen, and my physical health issues.

A friend of mine who has always been very encouraging to me put down my writing. I know not everyone is going to like my work, but he didn’t just put down my writing, but my future hopes and dreams. (Thing is he didn’t base it on my talent, but my lack of connections.)

Writing is the number one thing to my happiness. It has been for years. Why would someone try to bash it?

What a way to start 2018.

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Relations vs writing part 2 

I posted this in November Balancing Romance and Writing . . . 

Summary: I had a guy who I wanted to be my boyfriend for about six weeks, but we are in two different places in our lives. However we agreed to be just friends, and I am glad to have him in my life ( minus the his complaining.)

Most people ( minus my supporting mom and brother) say I write too much, but my friend said it was okay for me to write

I tried to write while he worked, so when he was home, I could spend time with him. I was trying to give my undivided attention to him as I learned in the past that I annoyed others being stuck in my own world. 

The thing is that the longer I stay away from my writing, the less of myself, I feel. . .

I know who I am. . . 

  • I am a writer and storyteller! 
  • I am brutually honest and yet vividly creative.
  • I can not leave the house for days at a time with my head in a tablet or computer screen.
  • I love lists and have scheduled my life around my writing. 
  • I’m a creative mess, but I am a damn good, semi-organized researcher. 
  • I need someone who encourages me. 


I do not need . . .

  • Someone who wants kids. ( I prefer my four pawed babies, cats.)
  • Someone complaining that we had another slow-cooker dinner, (please be grateful I am a damn creative and good cook.)
  • Someone who doesn’t want to be immortalized in my written work, (because a high chance he will inspire a character or two or ten.)
  • Someone who says I write too much. 
  • Someone who says I am too messy.
  • Someone who says I am too moody ( when it comes to writing, I’m not cranky, I’m passionate.)

  I’m not a family originated female. I’m fine with that. I’m fun, positive, talkative, and perky. I’m auntie Becky and I’m fine with that. 

I just need someone who understands. . . I’m a writer. I will not change myself for anyone!

If a guy cannot handle that then he needs to find someone else

Writing vs the Holiday

  1. I love to write.
  2. I love to cook.
  3. I love to bake.
  4. I love to color.
  5. I love to listen to music. (And sing along)
  6. I love to watch movies.
  7. I love to go shopping.

    Most of these are in random order, except my writing. I love to write. It is my passion. 

    So with the holidays, I am always busy in the kitchen. I am making the turkey this year, and I will be very busy Thursday and Friday with my male friend. (Long story, but I’ll explain in my other blog soon. Http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com )

    I want to double my word count for the rest of of Nanowrimo.  I hope I get to 50,000 words by November 30th. 

    I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive

    I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. 

    Writing for me, even just 5 minutes or 8 hours is something special.

     It is a chaotic, artistic, sweet moment to see my colorful thoughts go from black and white to color again. 

    So I hope I get sometime to write. I still need to cook and hang out with my friend. 

    Balancing romance and writing

    I’ve been told I write too much, and I’ve seen it get in the way and caused  many fights with my ex’s and I. 

    However I was told “don’t put away your writing for me.”

    Some of the best words a writer could hear. . . 
    My new guy seems to believe in me and my writing dreams. I hope not let him down and those who support me. 

    However when he is home, I want to spend as much time with him as I can. (I just hope I’m not being too demanding in my time, I mean our time.)

    I also try to balance writing and cleaning while he works so I can spend sometime with him when he gets home. Ultimate balance is time with him and writing. 

    All situations can be written. . .

    I was stood up Saturday instead of just waiting for two hours, I outlined part 2 for my book. (Yes, making the best of my anxiety, time, and my Nanowrimo prep.)

    So I waited hours for the bozo to not show, and I was frazzled. What made it worst was when I gave him a chance after he begged for it, and I told him it would NOT work with the distance. Then after two hours of waiting, saying he was going to be there, he texts me saying: it‘s not working for me

    No crap!

    So what do my muses do? They nag me to write about it, and put it my novel I am working on.  3350 words later I have a scene to add into my story.  I know it’s before nanowrimo but I wanted to write while all feelings were fresh in my head. The migraine was worth the Saturday night of writing. 

    Thank you . . . Muses (in no particular order )

    • Rebekah
    • Kelly
    • Emma
    • Chlorine
    • Starre

    Flustered 

    I finished my catfish story. (for those who are not sure what I am talking about . . . Catfish is a TV show on MTV in which one long distance couples who are questioning their partner about why they haven’t met, usually get the chance. . . But there is usually a catch. Nev and Max are the hosts after it happened to Nev. )

    Catfish is someone pretending to be someone else online or lying about who they are. Catfish from urban dictionary

    I believe I was in blocked catfish story. I chatted with this guy for over a year . . . he helped me through a lot, but we lived in different states and we’re both going through a lot of drama in our lives. However one day he calls me up, says see other people, and then good bye. When I wanted answers, he blocked my account. I believe he wasn’t telling me the entire truth about himself and that is why he was catfish. 

    So I thought I would get creative and write an ending to try to give me closure. My muses took me through some twists and turns, but by the time I finished the story. . . I was still into him, lonely, heart broken, and flustered. (I really am a writer when pictures and words made fall in love.)

    I plan to type this story up when I get my computer fixed as thst it is 25 pages long. (Yes, hand written.) 

    I guess I need to look at it this way, he was there when I needed someone, and it made an interesting, twisted, story.