It seems every time I give myself writing goals something always happens. . .
First nanowrimo I got two weeks of migraines
Whenever I give myself a personal goal, I’ve had . . .
- family issues
- mental break down (unrelated to writing)
- I was in a car accident
- Hand cramps
- Sleep issues
- Female issues
However I always seem to manage to get my main word count in. It is what I want. . .
This month not any different, I have my anemia (from endomentrial hyplasya I know I didn’t spell that right, its a fancy term for very heavy female periods) mixed with my sleep apnea. I slept the last 40 hours out of 48 hours. I can’t think straight or get my process muses. They are sleepy too.
I need to stop giving myself personal goals and simply write.
I’m taking today off to see if I get my mind to work on its own. I’m over 17,900 words, so I’m very ahead.
I’m tired. It’s sleep time.
Lately, I have been getting inspiration between the hours of 1am and 7 am. So I get on the tablet or set up the tv table and write. Check out my Short Stories, I did get a few posted. . . My Short stories
- The more I try for a day schedule, the more my body seems to fight it.
- My heart burn issues wake me up and it sometimes feels like it is impossible to go back to sleep.
- Then my eyes strain with the glow of the screen because everyone else wants the lights off.
- I also have a dry cough that keeps me up all night. I feel like I’m choking but their is nothing there. . . Like I am choking on air.
- I’ve been fighting headaches so bad, they are migraines and I’m down for days at a time with nausea and extreme pain in the head and eyes.
- I’m also fighting hot flashes so bad, making my eyes and neck burn.
- My pelvic area, lower back, and thighs have random pain, and it is hard to be comfortable as I write.
- This has been fighting against me with getting quality writing.
I just want a decent writing schedule bit why is my health fighting me.
My health issues. . .
- My sleep patterns are off.
- My depression can kill my motivation.
- My anxiety can make focus scattered.
- My brain never stops.
- I’m always trying to make myself or someone else happy.
- There times I get stomachs issues or cramps that steal my attention.
- I get migraines that are very harsh on my eyes.
I need to see a few doctors and get this figured out. Hopefully.
This is the second year, I did not reach my epic goal of 50,000 words this year. In fact, I did the same thing I did in Camp Nanowrimo. . . I gave myself the goal of 50,000, but only reached 35,000. Sigh.
The worst part is all I have is excuses to fill in why. . .
- Complicated love life
- Broken computer
- Getting out more
- Story is therapy (sometimes hard to face)
- Movies or tv more interesting (Especially cuddling)
- Cannot get comfortable to write (no desk)
I just want energy to sit at a comfortable chair in front of a simple desk, with a caffeinated drink, and working computer. . . Is that too much to ask?
I use writing as a huge therapy tool. Version a (rough draft) of any of my writings are for me to get everything out.
There are a lot of things that are illegal in real life, but nothing is illegal if you are bad guy in written story.
I will use my writing to get our feelings, especially frustration and anger.
During editing, I will make corrections and write for the public, but version a is always for me.
(Currently, just wish that I can get at least 6 hours of sleep each night or late morning so I can get so decent writing finished. )
I should be writing. . .
I’ve had a lot of things happen this past two weeks and I should get them out.
Maybe write a short story or two.
Maybe a list of problems and goals . . . Pros and cons.
Yesterday, I got new pens and notebook that are just sitting in the corner just collecting dust.
I just have no motivation, no pep, and I even feel I’m so depressed I’m bumming out my muses. It sucks.
I should just say fuck the world and write.
I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.