Lights out. Sighs.
The fates must not want me to write at night. . . But my muses work at night the best. . . Grrr. Sigh.
This is the second light I have broken within the last 6 months. I got two desk lamps . . . The first on the clip busted. The second one bust the connector from the cord and what screws in the bulb.
I can’t read my writing to retype on this blog. . . It strains my eyes and causes several migraines. (I cannot afford to fall behind on lay in bed all day. . . I have to help my mom.)
I’m trying to clean and write during the day, but it’s hard to focus.
I hope get a light soon.
It seems every time I give myself writing goals something always happens. . .
First nanowrimo I got two weeks of migraines
Whenever I give myself a personal goal, I’ve had . . .
- family issues
- mental break down (unrelated to writing)
- I was in a car accident
- Hand cramps
- Sleep issues
- Female issues
However I always seem to manage to get my main word count in. It is what I want. . .
This month not any different, I have my anemia (from endomentrial hyplasya I know I didn’t spell that right, its a fancy term for very heavy female periods) mixed with my sleep apnea. I slept the last 40 hours out of 48 hours. I can’t think straight or get my process muses. They are sleepy too.
I need to stop giving myself personal goals and simply write.
I’m taking today off to see if I get my mind to work on its own. I’m over 17,900 words, so I’m very ahead.
I’m tired. It’s sleep time.
Lately, I have been getting inspiration between the hours of 1am and 7 am. So I get on the tablet or set up the tv table and write. Check out my Short Stories, I did get a few posted. . . My Short stories
- The more I try for a day schedule, the more my body seems to fight it.
- My heart burn issues wake me up and it sometimes feels like it is impossible to go back to sleep.
- Then my eyes strain with the glow of the screen because everyone else wants the lights off.
- I also have a dry cough that keeps me up all night. I feel like I’m choking but their is nothing there. . . Like I am choking on air.
- I’ve been fighting headaches so bad, they are migraines and I’m down for days at a time with nausea and extreme pain in the head and eyes.
- I’m also fighting hot flashes so bad, making my eyes and neck burn.
- My pelvic area, lower back, and thighs have random pain, and it is hard to be comfortable as I write.
- This has been fighting against me with getting quality writing.
I just want a decent writing schedule bit why is my health fighting me.
My health issues. . .
- My sleep patterns are off.
- My depression can kill my motivation.
- My anxiety can make focus scattered.
- My brain never stops.
- I’m always trying to make myself or someone else happy.
- There times I get stomachs issues or cramps that steal my attention.
- I get migraines that are very harsh on my eyes.
I need to see a few doctors and get this figured out. Hopefully.
This is the second year, I did not reach my epic goal of 50,000 words this year. In fact, I did the same thing I did in Camp Nanowrimo. . . I gave myself the goal of 50,000, but only reached 35,000. Sigh.
The worst part is all I have is excuses to fill in why. . .
- Complicated love life
- Broken computer
- Getting out more
- Story is therapy (sometimes hard to face)
- Movies or tv more interesting (Especially cuddling)
- Cannot get comfortable to write (no desk)
I just want energy to sit at a comfortable chair in front of a simple desk, with a caffeinated drink, and working computer. . . Is that too much to ask?
I use writing as a huge therapy tool. Version a (rough draft) of any of my writings are for me to get everything out.
There are a lot of things that are illegal in real life, but nothing is illegal if you are bad guy in written story.
I will use my writing to get our feelings, especially frustration and anger.
During editing, I will make corrections and write for the public, but version a is always for me.
(Currently, just wish that I can get at least 6 hours of sleep each night or late morning so I can get so decent writing finished. )
I should be writing. . .
I’ve had a lot of things happen this past two weeks and I should get them out.
Maybe write a short story or two.
Maybe a list of problems and goals . . . Pros and cons.
Yesterday, I got new pens and notebook that are just sitting in the corner just collecting dust.
I just have no motivation, no pep, and I even feel I’m so depressed I’m bumming out my muses. It sucks.
I should just say fuck the world and write.
I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.
My Writing Goals Vs Reality
I just posted that I want 60,000 to 70,000 words by November 30th. https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/10/27/nanowrimo-2016-goals/
When in reality, I am barely averaging 500 words per day.
500 times 30 equals 15,000 words (only about 30%)
My problems is I have many more challenges this year. . .
- My daily to-do list (Cleaning, and dealing with the cats, but it takes a good portion of the day)*
- Errands: Pay bills, shopping, getting things together etc
- Getting Interrupted “Becky, do this. . .” “Becky did you do that?” “Becky stand on your head.”etc
- Time with my boyfriend
- Time with my friends
- And a new family member.
*Average to-do list. . .
- (Get Up)
- Feed Dog
- Let Dog out
- Give Callie (Cat) her heart med
- Give Callie her ear med
- Give Callie her pain med
- Give Elmo (Cat) his special treat for upper respiratory issues.
- Feed Outdoor cats
- Sweep bathroom
- Cat Litter room 1
- Cat litter room 2
- Take blood sugar
- Let Dog out again
- Errands: (can be up to 4 hours we’re gone)
- If home, do laundry or clean room or basement
- Help with dinner: cook
- Clean kitchen
- Feed indoor cats
- (I also can add clean bathroom, pet water, food bowls, replace litter etc at least twice each week)
Then if I have everything thing done
I just hope I get energy to get everything done.
I lose myself. . . Like in the Matrix. . . instead of 1’s and 0’s I am sucked into one word and then many quickly turning into pictures in my head. Then memories of the illusory characters telling my muses their stories. Then my muses making those stories into like movies that replay and haunt the brain, even in my sleep. I am suck in the literature Matrix. (Sorry, the Matrix is on TV. I am a Keanu Reeves fan.)
I lose myself when I write my vampire novels. I love the feeling of getting stuck in their world. Last night was the first night since I have moved back in with family (on my father’s side) that I was able to get sucked back into my vampire novels. My muses are doing flips, my characters are talking a mile a minute. I feel like me. . . . the writer, again. I needed this.
HOWEVER, I lost track of time, and it was 2 am by the time I got myself to stop. Of course my cranky dad, snapped “2AM, really?” By the way, 2am in my average time to go to bed, and even then I do not always fall asleep. I usually try to keep my caffeine at a low level after 8 pm, sometimes 6 pm. (I’ve been dealing with depression so it doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 10pm or 6am I will still sleep until 11am or noon. Actually getting sucked into my vampire world, helps me deal with issues, but it’s been hard when there is always so much to do. I’ve also cut out several distractions. These are all other blogs.)
The other problem when I get suck in is that lose sense of what needs to be done, and I forgot to finish cleaning the kitchen last night. Needless to say, my sick stepmom was not happy doing my dishes this morning. I feel bad about that. . . which is why I’m yet torn over feeling good about the 1000 words I added to my vampire story yesterday.
Everything is about time management. I can write a blog for 20 minutes and to chores and go right back to the blog, but it’s harder to do when you have a specific voice in a fictional work. I mean I read 23 pages even before I got back into writing last night. I know that in order to make this work, I will have to make sure all of my chores/errands are done first. I guess I will finish most the scene tonight. (I’m actually excited. Yay.)