I should be writing. . .
I’ve had a lot of things happen this past two weeks and I should get them out.
Maybe write a short story or two.
Maybe a list of problems and goals . . . Pros and cons.
Yesterday, I got new pens and notebook that are just sitting in the corner just collecting dust.
I just have no motivation, no pep, and I even feel I’m so depressed I’m bumming out my muses. It sucks.
I should just say fuck the world and write.
I am going to a Therapist. . . I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I usually write in misery; it helps with conflict. However there are times where my depression is so bad I have to fight with it to just get out bed. . . so getting discipline and motivation to write are sometimes near impossible to me.
I feel currently I am in a Sonic The Hedgehog game, “the casino level” where I am stuck in a valley of the bouncy wedges. You try to get out, but you bounce right back in the damn valley.
I feel like that now. . . I help out, something goes good, I help some more, something gets screwed up and I am back in the damn valley. Grrrrr.
It’s hard to write when I feel personally stuck.
A lot has gone on within the last six months. I will post more about that on my personal site. http://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com
However I am here because I am struggling, but I count each word, each sentence, and each page full of words a victory.
I really wish I could just write without this damn gray cloud over my head.
I just really feel discouraged. I want to feel productive, but I just feel like an empty drone in everyone’s way. I feel like my pen’s ink will dry up while I untangle my thoughts.
I hope my characters are not suffering like I am.
I appreciate the inspiration and motivation where I can get it.
My Writing Goals Vs Reality
I just posted that I want 60,000 to 70,000 words by November 30th. https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/10/27/nanowrimo-2016-goals/
When in reality, I am barely averaging 500 words per day.
500 times 30 equals 15,000 words (only about 30%)
My problems is I have many more challenges this year. . .
- My daily to-do list (Cleaning, and dealing with the cats, but it takes a good portion of the day)*
- Errands: Pay bills, shopping, getting things together etc
- Getting Interrupted “Becky, do this. . .” “Becky did you do that?” “Becky stand on your head.”etc
- Time with my boyfriend
- Time with my friends
- And a new family member.
*Average to-do list. . .
- (Get Up)
- Feed Dog
- Let Dog out
- Give Callie (Cat) her heart med
- Give Callie her ear med
- Give Callie her pain med
- Give Elmo (Cat) his special treat for upper respiratory issues.
- Feed Outdoor cats
- Sweep bathroom
- Cat Litter room 1
- Cat litter room 2
- Take blood sugar
- Let Dog out again
- Errands: (can be up to 4 hours we’re gone)
- If home, do laundry or clean room or basement
- Help with dinner: cook
- Clean kitchen
- Feed indoor cats
- (I also can add clean bathroom, pet water, food bowls, replace litter etc at least twice each week)
Then if I have everything thing done
I just hope I get energy to get everything done.
I lose myself. . . Like in the Matrix. . . instead of 1’s and 0’s I am sucked into one word and then many quickly turning into pictures in my head. Then memories of the illusory characters telling my muses their stories. Then my muses making those stories into like movies that replay and haunt the brain, even in my sleep. I am suck in the literature Matrix. (Sorry, the Matrix is on TV. I am a Keanu Reeves fan.)
I lose myself when I write my vampire novels. I love the feeling of getting stuck in their world. Last night was the first night since I have moved back in with family (on my father’s side) that I was able to get sucked back into my vampire novels. My muses are doing flips, my characters are talking a mile a minute. I feel like me. . . . the writer, again. I needed this.
HOWEVER, I lost track of time, and it was 2 am by the time I got myself to stop. Of course my cranky dad, snapped “2AM, really?” By the way, 2am in my average time to go to bed, and even then I do not always fall asleep. I usually try to keep my caffeine at a low level after 8 pm, sometimes 6 pm. (I’ve been dealing with depression so it doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 10pm or 6am I will still sleep until 11am or noon. Actually getting sucked into my vampire world, helps me deal with issues, but it’s been hard when there is always so much to do. I’ve also cut out several distractions. These are all other blogs.)
The other problem when I get suck in is that lose sense of what needs to be done, and I forgot to finish cleaning the kitchen last night. Needless to say, my sick stepmom was not happy doing my dishes this morning. I feel bad about that. . . which is why I’m yet torn over feeling good about the 1000 words I added to my vampire story yesterday.
Everything is about time management. I can write a blog for 20 minutes and to chores and go right back to the blog, but it’s harder to do when you have a specific voice in a fictional work. I mean I read 23 pages even before I got back into writing last night. I know that in order to make this work, I will have to make sure all of my chores/errands are done first. I guess I will finish most the scene tonight. (I’m actually excited. Yay.)
I want to know how do some of these working people do Camp NaNoWriMo with their busy schedule?
Yesterday, I had errands, and I have been dealing with female health issues. I was exhausted all day. I come home help out there and by the time I sit in front of my computer. I cannot think right.
I mean how do some of these people spit out 1,000 to 5,000 plus words with kids, husband, jobs, cleaning a house etc?
I can’t work at the moment, with my health issues, and yet I have the time. . . I’m just lacking the motivation and energy.
I love coffee, but if I drink after 6 pm, I do not sleep until 4 in the morning like a zombie.
I wish I could just constantly bust out 1,000 plus words at a day, so days I am lucky enough to get 140 words out.
I should be at 6,000 words today, but I can home exhausted. First three days, I was doing so well. . . getting 4,587 by the end of day three. However day four just make me stop. . . I felt like I hit an invisible brick wall.
It always gives me anxiety when I know I am backed up. I need a day that just lets me get caught up. I just feel so much pressure. . . clean the house, eat, sleep, do errands, clean the house. . . . this is driving me. I feel like the only time for me it at 11 pm to 3 am and then I sleep too late.
My average day
Get up (9, 10 am)
Take dogs out
Clean the bathroom (cat genie)
Let dogs out
Meds for cats
Errands maybe lunch
Clean the house
Let dogs out
Cat litter (down stairs)
Clean off table
Computer time if I can focus
Chat with my guy
I have hand written some things and typed them up. Maybe I should do that.
Have you ever gotten that idea in the middle of the night but you know you need sleep? Or am I the only one this happens to?
I mean I try to roll over, but the idea gets more vivid and my muses and characters get louder . . . it’s like at the point where they are jumping up and down and yelling at me. I write down the idea in a notebook where it gets lost until the morning or whenever I am reorganizing my totes.
I know many of my characters are vampires and ghosts, but do they not know that I need some sleep? LOL.
I keep getting weird dreams and ideas at like two-three in the morning. It sucks when my family has been encouraging me to have a normal schedule . . . what if night writing schedule is normal for me?
What if I am screwing myself up? I need to stop with the “what if” and go work on my writing.