Milestone

It’s been a rough year for my writing. I’ve been fighting several health issues: carpal tunnel, migraines, nausea, depression and anxiety. I’ve been healing from my hysterectomy as well.

Most of my writings had been my therapy as the three therapists this year didn’t do much. The third one at least tried.

On November 27th of this year (2023,) I hit the million word mark.

However the milestone kind of feels mute, empty and a pointless victory, as I do have books written but only one book is technically published. (I pushed it too fast because create space gave me a deadline. It really needs a major edit.)

80% of my writing this year was either lists, spiritual, and therapeutic.

If it wasn’t for my amazing and creative boyfriend, then I wouldn’t have written much creative writing at all.

There have been days where I didn’t write, because of the pain in my hands or throbbing in my head. My headaches were so bad and got worst in the fall. They made my left eye get white dots and what I call sludgy eye fig. It made it hard to read, write or just watch TV. My doctors (talked to more than one) say it’s hormonal or seasonal and caused by dust and dry air.

I’m getting carpal tunnel surgery in January, but I’m not sure about the headaches.

Meanwhile I feel like I’m in a mental prison because I cannot get my ideas out.

But I did get my millionth word. The millionth word was ghosts. It’s irony as I am supernatural and horror writer.

My dream is to publish my books and make a living a creative writer/author. I also want my own podcast and work with on my own spiritual path and the occult.

Ambition vs Happiness

I read this article. Please Stop Telling Me to Find My Purpose
Wanting a roof over my head should be enough.
ByAnonymous
Finding Purpose https://www.wondermind.com/article/purpose-driven-life/

And I saw the movie Author Anonymous. It’s about a writing group. I get the cliches, and it makes me realize that even the younger and pretty writers get picked first…. Grrrr. (They are more attractive and get more connections.)

I will admit, I am extremely grateful for the roof over my head and my fridge full of food.

I do feel we all have some sort of purpose, but it’s not for us to figure it out..(It’s the God’s and Goddesses are putting the world in a puzzle and each of us are pieces, but you don’t always know where you will end up in the puzzle. The purpose is the fact that you a piece somewhere in the scheme of things and every piece no matter how big or small counts.)

I’m 40. My first 35 years of my life, I’ve been driven my passion, ambition, “purpose.” It’s the last five years of my life that I am appreciating the “now” and the little things.
I agree with the writer statement….it is chaotic and if you find a professional publisher, you lose your voice. If you self publish it gets lost in the sea of so-so stories and grammar and plot issues. Writing is my joy, when I am simply writing. As for publishing, I’m not sure what going to do yet, but I do want the world to read my paranormal books.
I hope you just enjoy something each day: a good cup of coffee, playing with your pet, leveling up in a video game.

I do want a better living situation and to be happy. I might have to cut down on writing to do that.

I wrote over 36,000 words within the first 15 days this month, and broke my writers block..I enjoyed writing, but I realize I also need to improve my living situation. The thing is I need to be comfortable to really be way more productive in my writing, especially editing. I also figured out reciting into my Google docs, I can do times times the word count versus just typing or handing writing.

Another epiphany: I also realize I want my guy more than any writing at this point. Damn distance.

Fears I have with Publishing

I will admit I am fighting a block. . . between my location and I’m traveling down a different path than most, I’m seeing the world at a different angle. Instead of the yellow brick road, I’m walking on the rocky marble road. . . pieces are there, but it’s more like a hop, skip, and jump instead of just walking. I miss walking, but it’s not meant for me.

I also have a few fears with publishing.

• I am afraid giving my work to many beta readers and someone is going to steal my work or I give my work out so much that no one will buy it when they can just get a free copy.
• I’m afraid of rejection, but that is a fear I will need to overcome. I need also edit before I put in a professional hands. I hate editing, but I cannot afford an editor.
• If I got professionally published, I am worried that they will rip it shreds. By the time, I publish it that it will sound nothing like what I wanted to say.
• I could go down the self publishing route, but my ghost and vampire stories will get lost into the sea of horror and supernatural books. And one bad rating is like a virus. I could have hundreds or four-five stars, but everyone read that one star.
• I use NaNoWriMo and the camps to get majority of my writing, but hitting deadline cause fear and anxiety. Even in school, I was either inspired and got it done early or I was cramping the last forty-eight hours on pots of coffee and no sleep.
• I am worried about how big the horror genre has gotten. . . I mean how will I make my stuff stand out. (I also write other genres in other names, and I know they will sell a bit better, but I am not always in the particular mood and my passion and happiness in with my ghosts, urban legends, and vampires.)

It’s also been months. . . even years since I have finished anything. . . I am giving myself a personal goal to finish at least one of my projects.



I am also working on physical and emotional health and spirituality as well, so I have a lot on my plate, but having my books in a book store and signings is one of the dreams of mine. I just do not know how to overcome this writing block and face these fears.

Camp NaNoWriMo

My results are in….26,178 words in 30 days …. My goal was 30,000 words.

I was sick with cold and sinus issues for the first two weeks. I was exhausted and I barely got up to do my normal chores and errands. (It was not COVID)

I didn’t keep up with my spiritual blog every day. I will post the rest of the blogs when I can.

Then today I was listening to one of my favorite tarot readers on YouTube and I was told I need to write….https://youtu.be/p4X16QrYMbQ

It says I need to write and write my story now. Or I’ll end up passing up on an opportunity. Of course on a very busy month. May is going to be very busy..

I hope to find some inspiration.

Things I’ve learned in 2022

1. I get distracted easily (Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and phone games, even coloring … when I should be writing.) 
2. Most …I mean 90%of Instagram is fake people and scammers. It seems like everyone is out for money.
3. I’m obsessed with health research. Google chrome is my search engine of choice. (It’s a distraction as well.) 
4. My complex hyperplasia was dire and half of my extreme female problems were caused by it. My hysterectomy went well physically as I have more energy and less brain fog, but I’m still working on mental and emotional issues (more on health blog: https://rebekahs.health.blog/) 
5. I’m now 40 years old and my social circle is practically non-existent. (I hope to change it next year.) 
6. Expect less from most people. They can still shock and devastate me though. (More about that in my spiritual blog: https://spiritualbeck.wordpress.com/)
7. Life is short: you never know when your time is up. A friend of mine passed on unexpectedly, and I hope she is resting in peace. 
8. Enjoy what you can: writing is my Bliss. Without my brain fog so thick, I can focus and write more. 
9. I know more than anything I want to be with my guy and write together for a living. 
10. It’s easy to keep things simple. Don’t let possession rule your life. 

Editing Update 2

First of all, my living situation has not been the greatest, but I have made the best of it.

Secondly, formatting issues with google.docs has me reediting my friend’s piece from the beginning. So far so good. (I am trying to edit her piece at least one day each week next month, even with Camp NaNoWriMo.)

Thirdly, between migraines, eye issues, and sinuses, I have pushed my way through.

I had a goal of 60 to 75 hours of editing but 11:59pm March 31st.

Editing hours: I have less than six days, and I am up 39 hours and 40 minutes. I do not think I will reach 60, but I will try to make at least 50. (Which was the original goal of NaNoEdMo)

I’m taking today off due to a horrible headache, and I have to get some errands done. I need more coffee.

(Just a side note, just because I am at the computer and it looks like I am reading or reorganizing it does NOT mean I am NOT working, goofing off, or lazy. I have been struggling with health issues so when I do finally sit down on my folding chair with a throbbing foot (gout), and stiff back, I usually there for a reason. Sorry, about the rant, but I was called lazy because I was getting up and doing “physical” work. )

While stuck in with Coronavirus

I have had major writer’s block since mid-November and the longer I have gone with it, the less and less I feel like myself. I have tried writing different things and exercise (walks) and nothing has worked that much. 

Then over the past few weeks, the Coronavirus has really made the news. I think we are just days from all being stuck inside for a while. I feel within days even weeks, we will be stuck inside for a while. I hope you have ideas for self-entertainment/ amusement.
I will admit most of us are freaked out as our average days have suddenly changed. We have had nothing like this in history.  

I will tell you something . . . for the other writers out there blocked like me, please write about your experience.  I plan to write on my own. . . even if you don’t have the virus, should write on how the experience has changed your life or maybe even way of thinking.  We are all going through a very unique moment of history that can be more documented that ever before. (Yes, we have had viruses, plagues and other sickness, but not where we are connected to each simply by the Internet and phone.) 

A few things you can do while you have extra time. . . 

1. A new writing project (for all of those writers out there)
2. Netflix or youtube or hulu binges
3. Read a book or two or ten
4. Facebook group (please avoid the drama)
5. Create your own website
6. Exercise
7. Paint or color
8. Learn a new skill: cooking, baking, dance etc
9. Cook a new dish
10. Clean out your house
11. Self-cation or stay-ation. . . It’s like a vacation but in your house. . . pampering yourself. . . bath, favorite music, relaxing do your own favorite things. 

I will give a secret of mine for all those who are depressed, anxious, worried, upset etc. . . . and seriously need counseling or simply an extra person to talk to. https://www.7cups.com really helps me. Please use this site seriously. This situation is very new and scary for a lot of people. . . and depression and anxiety are very serious things. 

Romantic Distraction

Camp NaNoWriMo started April 1st and so far I got 2511 words. . . 

I do not normally post my personal life on this blog, but I am flustered and grateful. 

For Camp NaNo, I am finished a story, I started for NaNoWriMo in 2011. (When I was still with my ex, Tom.) There are some spicy scene between a few of my characters. . . you have to have a dramatic love element in a good thriller.

I will admit I have been lonely lately, as I have not really dated in over a year.

Against my personal blog (http://beckyms1213.wordpress.com) I got back on a few personal sites. (Even if it is just to find some friends, but I am started to believe people are about business or they are fake online.  The real people are actually out living life.)

As much as I love love struggling with the Internet. . . I am just beginning to believe it’s full of distractions and scammers.

I got a personal site and this what I thought was really cute guy messaged me. Of course within ten lines asked for outside chat (like Kik, hang out, or skype.)

Anyway, his answers were long and too poetic. . . they did not feel real so I took a tip from one of my favorite shows “Catfish” and I googled his replies and the first thing can up was a scam site.

So  if you get an answer or text like this. . . (it’s a scammer).

“My ambition is to inspire your beloved woman constantly and stand by my nations I want the peace for the world, to help her to keep the balance between career and private life, just as she would also inspire me to do good. Love is most paramount for me, i need a companion to share my life with, who wants to create a strong family. I want to take long walks with her and share what life has in stall for us both joy and sorrow. I’d like to look up to her as an authority for me, be proud of her, adore her, be supportive, she would have my devotion understanding,kindness, care, calmness, cheerfulness,soul support and my great love. I expect to get all these traits from her too in return, Everyone wants something good for themselves, or don’t you wish yourself well? ”

This was a direct quote I found from a scamming website.
https://www.scamwarners.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=58426

It sucked because his pics were cute. Oh well, I’m grateful now I can go back my regularly schedule program of working on my Camp NaNoWriMo projects.

 

Easily Distracted

I am distracted, yes again.

It’s day 2, in my editing, be to honest, I have six hours of editing in, but I look at my editing now. I’m just like meh. (the thing is I have several pieces I can edit and the motivation is just not there. Why is that?)

I am a writer. I hate to edit.

It goes in this order, writing, reading, cooking and somewhere way down the line of me is editing.  (If I had reading friends and money: I would simply pay them to find errors and confusion in my works.)

I love to write, create, and inspire, but right now I am just fighting with sucky wifi.

I was up today by 9 am: dinner was in the slow cooker by 9:45 am and yet now it’s noon and I have none of my editing done. Sigh.

March is going to be a long month.

 

Nanowrimo prep vs time

I’ve been dealing with sleep apnea issues, (even when I do sleep, I feel like I barely slept. At times I live on 5 hour energy drink shots.)

I have anxiety (I have constant worry and current living situation has me on the edge. I also have what I can zombie insomnia, I can’t sleep, but I can’t focus, grrr. My living situation has me on extremely high anxiety over extreme cleaning in which furniture is to be moved vs timed issues.)

I have extreme mood swings because of this and my painful female issues.

These health issues can get in the way of true bliss. . .writing.

I’m hoping to get my notes organized while all of this cleaning going on. . . Just thinking about it drains me.